So, this installment comes from a mother (who shall remain nameless) - lets call her Brookalina and her daughter, who, for the purpose of this blog, will be named Califlower. (anyone who knows me, absolutely knows who this story is about - Lol!)
Moving on. . .
So, Califlower is three - and is absolutley adorable - you can't help but instantly love her. And - her story basically has three sections - over the course of a single weekend, on a trip to Las Vegas. Lets begin, - and if you pee when you laugh, hop up , Mabel, and go get your Depends!
1. Brookalina needs to use the bathroom - and miracle beyond all miracles - she enters the rest room ALONE! so, she sits down to pee, and they appear. Ten little fingers under the crack where the door almost meets the ground. To which, she chuckles a little. But then, her sweet little 3 year old says from behind the door, "Mommy, do you see all my wieners?!" Aren't we all so glad we spend the time to teach our children anatomy?!!
2. Brookalina takes Califlower into one of the very upscale bathrooms in one of Vegas's nicer establishments. You know, the ones where someone is waiting to hand you a hand towel and mint after you wash your hands? Any hoo, once they enter the rest room, Brookalina, realizes that she too, probably ought to go and survey the situation, because, Aunt Flow is in town this week. So, she has Califlower in the stall with her, and sits to use the rest room. As she does this, she sees that it is a good thing she is there, because, its time to make the switch - so much so, that there is a little evidence of Aunt Flow on her girlie laundry. When Califlower notices the small stain, she screams, "EWW! Mommy! You poopy in your panties!" to which Brookalina instantly hushes, saying, "no, honey, its just an owie. Shh!" and Califlower continues shouting, "no mommy, look! you have P-O-O-P-Y on your panties! Yucky mommy, yucky!" And, Brookalina, just sits there, and wonders how long she can possibly stay hidden in that stall. Can she stay there until every last woman has left? How about until the lady at the front changes shifts? No, she must exit now, before Califlower crawls out from under the stall from boredom, and makes another three year old scene! Kids say the darndest things! thanks for the laugh, Brookalina. We have all been there, on some level or another. . .
3. Brookalina and her husband and kids are walking through Caesars Palace, enjoying a weekend in Las Vegas. Brookalina's husband, Rudy, is carrying Califlower on his shoulders. They notice Califlower is pointing to several things as they walk along, until she finally shouts, "Oh my gosh, look at all these wieners!" as she points to the statues that line the top of Caesars Palace.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Pre Baby/Post Baby - No one told us this. . .
So, you're gonna have a baby! Ya hoo! Total miracle beyond all miracles! Truly. And then, (we're just gonna take a quick jump thru the exciting changes that come throughout the next 9 months. . . ) :
6 wks: you are feeling a little sick - certain smells are really gonna rock your world - not in a good way. oh - and you are SO tired.
3 months: you are through the scary stage - all appears to be well with the little bambino (sigh of relief) - but, no one can tell you are prego yet - just bloated, maybe even borderline fat, Mabel.
4 months: yeah! you're belly is a tiny little cantelope - starting to show. You're skin is in uproar right now - all these fan-tabulous new hormones coursing through your now widened veins ( which will become spider veins in about 3 months).
5 months: you can find out what you are having! your skin is a little clearer, you aren't nearly as sick anymore - and what's this? you finally moved from bloated to prego! (which will turn into a GIGANTIC mass hanging off the front of your cute little body before this is all over - oh, shoot - i didn't realize this was your FIRST baby. . . sorry. Keepin it real, ladies!
6 months: the girls have arrived. And your man loves them - and you think they look pretty cute too. And your man will continue to love them, until you move into maternal mode (which is coming, if it is not already here) and you ever so gently (not) inform your man that these things are not here for his pleasure anymore - they are tools for feeding - and plus, unbelieveably tender. . . so BACK OFF... honey.
7 months: what's this? your are growing hair and a dark line down your ever-expanding belly? Right. sorry about that. . . any stretch marks yet? (they are coming). Oh - and what was with that weight gain this month? a fluke, i'm sure!
8 months: you can no longer see what your doctor can during the next 4 to 6 visits! you are pretty sure the weight gain will taper off. . . not likely, Mabel.
9 months: Oh, ya hoo! Only four more weeks! Maybe your dr. will induce you?! Probably not. And your cute little cantelope is now a GY-NORMOUS watermelon! and you have been looking the mirror (from the side) thinking, "Oh, look how cute im gonna be again after i have the baby!" as you cover your bulging belly and try to remember how it all looked before you started this adventure! Well, a girl can hope.
So, now your perfect little bundle of joy is here. . . and life is just as you imagined it. . . except your body of course. Lets, just run through that - cuz if you are anything like me, no one told me about all of this.
Post Baby:
Nursing is not a walk in the park. The most natural thing in the world? Hardly.
and then there are the amazing nursing pads you will get to wear for who knows how long - fitted shirts are out, cuz you can see the circle outline of the pad under your shirt. Not that you will want a fitted shirt, because, by now, you are most likely enjoying the (what i so affectionately call) bread dough. that's right, Mabel. Go ahead and go to that happy place of making homeade cinnamon rolls, when you pull the dough out of the Bosch, right before you roll it out - cuz, baby, that's your stomach for the next little bit. And - along the line of rolls, you could probably make your own with all the yeast trading places between you and your sweet baby - break out the nystatin, Mabel - it's a party!
For the next 6 to 8 weeks, you are going to need - for lack of a better description - a diaper for a pad. Remember all those periods we skipped while we were prego? Well, we are gonna make up for them now. And, for the next 6 to 8 weeks, you are going to experience "Night sweats" while your hormones regulate again. And, its not gonna be just a light sweat - you are going to wake up freezing in the middle of the night, because your whole shirt is soaking wet. So, in a nutshell, you are going to be leaking from every place you could possibly leak from for about two months - that's sexy - i don't care who you are - no one told us any of this! Seriously? seriously.
6 wks: you are feeling a little sick - certain smells are really gonna rock your world - not in a good way. oh - and you are SO tired.
3 months: you are through the scary stage - all appears to be well with the little bambino (sigh of relief) - but, no one can tell you are prego yet - just bloated, maybe even borderline fat, Mabel.
4 months: yeah! you're belly is a tiny little cantelope - starting to show. You're skin is in uproar right now - all these fan-tabulous new hormones coursing through your now widened veins ( which will become spider veins in about 3 months).
5 months: you can find out what you are having! your skin is a little clearer, you aren't nearly as sick anymore - and what's this? you finally moved from bloated to prego! (which will turn into a GIGANTIC mass hanging off the front of your cute little body before this is all over - oh, shoot - i didn't realize this was your FIRST baby. . . sorry. Keepin it real, ladies!
6 months: the girls have arrived. And your man loves them - and you think they look pretty cute too. And your man will continue to love them, until you move into maternal mode (which is coming, if it is not already here) and you ever so gently (not) inform your man that these things are not here for his pleasure anymore - they are tools for feeding - and plus, unbelieveably tender. . . so BACK OFF... honey.
7 months: what's this? your are growing hair and a dark line down your ever-expanding belly? Right. sorry about that. . . any stretch marks yet? (they are coming). Oh - and what was with that weight gain this month? a fluke, i'm sure!
8 months: you can no longer see what your doctor can during the next 4 to 6 visits! you are pretty sure the weight gain will taper off. . . not likely, Mabel.
9 months: Oh, ya hoo! Only four more weeks! Maybe your dr. will induce you?! Probably not. And your cute little cantelope is now a GY-NORMOUS watermelon! and you have been looking the mirror (from the side) thinking, "Oh, look how cute im gonna be again after i have the baby!" as you cover your bulging belly and try to remember how it all looked before you started this adventure! Well, a girl can hope.
So, now your perfect little bundle of joy is here. . . and life is just as you imagined it. . . except your body of course. Lets, just run through that - cuz if you are anything like me, no one told me about all of this.
Post Baby:
Nursing is not a walk in the park. The most natural thing in the world? Hardly.
and then there are the amazing nursing pads you will get to wear for who knows how long - fitted shirts are out, cuz you can see the circle outline of the pad under your shirt. Not that you will want a fitted shirt, because, by now, you are most likely enjoying the (what i so affectionately call) bread dough. that's right, Mabel. Go ahead and go to that happy place of making homeade cinnamon rolls, when you pull the dough out of the Bosch, right before you roll it out - cuz, baby, that's your stomach for the next little bit. And - along the line of rolls, you could probably make your own with all the yeast trading places between you and your sweet baby - break out the nystatin, Mabel - it's a party!
For the next 6 to 8 weeks, you are going to need - for lack of a better description - a diaper for a pad. Remember all those periods we skipped while we were prego? Well, we are gonna make up for them now. And, for the next 6 to 8 weeks, you are going to experience "Night sweats" while your hormones regulate again. And, its not gonna be just a light sweat - you are going to wake up freezing in the middle of the night, because your whole shirt is soaking wet. So, in a nutshell, you are going to be leaking from every place you could possibly leak from for about two months - that's sexy - i don't care who you are - no one told us any of this! Seriously? seriously.
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